March 27, 2015

"In Japan there is a disturbing trend for disaffected young men to fall in love with a pillow printed with their favorite anime character and announce the pillow is their girlfriend."

"So thank goodness your boyfriend does not have such a relationship with any of his [two dozen stuffed animals]. Men have been told that women do not want testosterone-addled brutes in their lives (OK, maybe the success of Fifty Shades sends some mixed messages), and you don’t get much less brutish than a stuffed animal collection. It’s a good sign that the group is only 20 percent of what it once was and that with one exception they live in the closet. You yourself have gone through life with a special teddy bear (do you bring him to your boyfriend’s for a sleepover with his special friend?), so you’re right, you should be more accepting. If this is the only thing that bothers you about a great guy, then you need to look at your own sexist beliefs."

From Emily Yoffe's advice column. 

6 things:

1. Does objecting to one extreme — "testosterone-addled brutes" — mean you're hypocritical to accept the other extreme? That excludes a preference for someone who fits your conception of balanced, moderate, and normal.

2. I don't think people seeking a life partner should be told to "be more accepting." You'd better find somebody who's right in the zone of what you like, whatever it is. The problem I see with this woman is that she's not looking closely enough at what she herself likes. She wants an outsider to pass judgment on whether there's something wrong with the man. I'd say it's not that this woman needs to "be more accepting," but that she shouldn't deny herself the pleasure and fulfillment of accepting this man, if that's what she wants.

3. Is it "sexist" to consider writing off a man who has a big stuffed animal collection? This woman is (apparently) heterosexual, so she's already applying "sexist" judgment in her choice of a partner. If that's okay and not sexist — and what a weird world it would be if we thought we shouldn't do that — then why is it wrong, as you search for a person of the sex you prefer, to search more precisely for the manifestation of masculinity (or femininity) that you find especially appealing? The problem, as stated at #2, is that the woman is having trouble using her own thoughts and feelings and wants to import what other people think.

4. Having her own teddy bear does not obligate the woman to accept a man with huge stuffed animal collection. To have one is very different from having a big collection — in stuffed animals and in many things. But more important, you can quite appropriately want to possess various things and at the same time not want your partner to have things like that. If she discovered that her boyfriend has a big collection of makeup, the argument that she should accept it because she too has makeup is something that we easily see as silly. (Maybe the day is coming when it won't look silly per se.)

5. If the brutishness of brutish men has a physical cause — testosterone — shouldn't we be more empathetic the way we are toward other medical conditions that impair the mind? Isn't it ableist of us to direct hostility toward "testosterone-addled brutes"?

6. "Men have been told that women do not want testosterone-addled brutes in their lives...." What, exactly, have men been told and how have they adjusted? I think the message has been that women don't want violence and subordination. No sensible man should read that to mean that women want babyish men. If the man is too dumb to understand that the rejection of violence and subordination is not a rejection of masculinity, then maybe the problem is that he's too dumb. Or he just doesn't love women enough to get the message straight.

54 comments:

David said...

Eh tu, Brutish?

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

All the same, I've stopped eating tofu, just in case.

campy said...

No reason is a bad reason for a woman to reject a man.

rhhardin said...

Pillow talk.

Simon said...

Sex in Japan is in crisis, so if that's your point of reference, it's rather like responding to a person drowning in a river that they should stop being such babies because the people who died on the Titanic were hundreds of miles from land.

MadisonMan said...

My advice to that woman would have been to do her boyfriend a favor and leave. He can do better than someone who judges him for a harmless security blanket-type thing.

Laslo Spatula said...

Scarlett Johansson has a pillow printed with a likeness of me, Laslo, for when she is away and we cannot be naked in bed together. She likes to hold the Laslo Pillow between her naked breasts in hotel rooms and wiggle-wiggle. I am good with this.

I am Laslo.

Laslo Spatula said...

Scarlett Johansson, when she is away and we cannot be naked in bed together, sometimes makes use of a large yellow ribbed polyurethane dildo on the hotel bed and makes the Laslo Pillow watch.

Oh, the things the Laslo Pillow has seen in Scarlett's hotel rooms. I have requested video.

I am Laslo.

Laslo Spatula said...

Sometimes when we are having sex Scarlett Johannson asks me to pretend to smother her with the Laslo Pillow.

This is not weird because we are playing the "Ted Bundy Game." Stop: it was her request.

I am Laslo.

Laslo Spatula said...

When Scarlett and I play the "Ted Bundy Game" she sometimes chokes a pillow with a picture of Taylor Swift on it with a pair of Taylor Swift's panties. I had told Taylor Swift not to leave her panties at my place, but this is now where we are.

Again: the things the Laslo Pillow has seen.

I am Laslo.

tim maguire said...

I was with you until point 6 (her first mistake was turning to Emily Yoffe for advice). Men have been told loud and clear by women that what women want is men who are more like women. Men have been shown loud and clear by women's actions that they want rough and tumble, brutish men. What women say they want and what women act like they want are two wildly different things (thus the mixed message behind the reaction to 50 Shades of Grey)

Typical of a woman that you blame men for having trouble navigating these treacherous waters.

Sean Gleeson said...

How does she know he isn't just using her to get at her teddy bear? What if his closet full of plushies is his trophy room, filled with mementoes of his prior conquests? My advice would be to escape.

Bay Area Guy said...

I have a simple statement to make:

If you forgo the normal human pursuit of intimacy with a female, with all the attendant foibles, risk of failure, but potential rewards, and instead, devote your moral, mental and emotional energy toward a female pillow facsimile, then, well, don't mean to be cruel, but you are a LOSER:)

J. Farmer said...

I found the 2009 New York Times article way more interesting than either the "Q" or the "A" in the Slate piece. I have spent a good bit of time in East and Southeast Asia and have always found that part of the world endlessly fascinating.

Xmas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Xmas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Xmas said...

30 Rock Reference!

Kamiko-san

(Missing quote led to some weird comment posts that I deleted.)

Gahrie said...

If the man is too dumb to understand that the rejection of violence and subordination is not a rejection of masculinity, then maybe the problem is that he's too dumb. Or he just doesn't love women enough to get the message straight.

Because of course, the woman can never be the problem.

woman = good

man = bad

Matt Sablan said...

I have a stuffed cat that lives in my office. His name is Sullivan, because one of my office mates had a live fish named Gilbert.

... Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure most of the office thinks I'm gay.

Clark said...

So her advice seems to be 'he might be nuts but be thankful he's not super duper nuts like these crazy Japanese dudes!' Oh you're hungry? Some people are starving. Oh you have a gaping head wound? Some people are dead! Doesn't strike me as particularly helpful.

Laslo Spatula said...

You do have to be careful when giving out pillows with a likeness of yourself.

An ex-girlfriend sent me a photo of her Laslo Pillow with the eyes stabbed out and a giant red lipstick 'X' over the mouth.

Alyssa Milano could get so mad sometimes.

I am Laslo.

Ann Althouse said...

"No reason is a bad reason for a woman to reject a man."

When we're talking about finding a life partner, you'd better reject that person for absolutely any reason you want.

Freeman Hunt said...

I read it expecting the guy to be nuts, but then it turned out he had some stuffed animal gifts of sentimental value on a shelf in his closet. This warranted a letter? The one on his bed is probably only there because he thinks that's what you're supposed to do with a single stuffed animal based on media depictions of bedrooms.

Freeman Hunt said...

But yes, you shouldn't be with someone you aren't really into. That's not fair to either person.

Matt Sablan said...

I always think it is better to REJECT someone for no reason than to try and ACCEPT them for no reason when it comes to love.

"Why do you love me," she asked, resting her head against his chest.

"No reason," he said. "It seemed like what ought to be done."

This is not actual romantic dialogue.

... But I'm cold hearted that way.

Ann Althouse said...

@tim maguire

You just fell into my category of men who are either too dumb or don't love women enough to get the message straight.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

Laslo Spatula said...

You do have to be careful when giving out pillows with a likeness of yourself.

Yeah, a while back I bought a Laslo pillow on Ebay.

If that pillow could talk, the stories it would tell.

That's why it must wear the ball gag at all times.

Ann Althouse said...

The guy might want to hold it against her for revealing something to the whole world that you'd have to get into his closet to know.

I would!

Freeman Hunt said...

The guy might want to hold it against her for revealing something to the whole world that you'd have to get into his closet to know.

I would!


I'm trying to imagine being this man. Were I him, I'd probably never talk to her again, let alone date her. So perhaps she has solved her problem!

Laslo Spatula said...

Althouse said:

"You just fell into my category of men who are either too dumb or don't love women enough to get the message straight."

I like to think that I have my own special category in the Althouse compendium.

I am Laslo.

Todd said...

Ann Althouse said...
"No reason is a bad reason for a woman to reject a man."

When we're talking about finding a life partner, you'd better reject that person for absolutely any reason you want.

3/27/15, 9:21 AM>


Because perfect is right around the corner, right?

Would hate to get shacked with a "almost" when there are so many "really great / perfect guys" out there.

I completely understand that there are "deal breakers" when it comes to selecting a "life partner". Everyone is entitled to their standards. Me, cannibal is a deal breaker. I don't want to constantly have to worry about being my wife's next meal. There is a middle ground though between settling and that bridge too far. Everyone has their stuff that they think is just fine but someone else finds bat-shit crazy. The key is to try and find that person that can live with your bat-shit crazy stuff, that has their own bat-shit crazy stuff that you can live with and you both have enough in common to build a life.

She may be making the right choice walking away from this guy. Heck, he could be a serial killer but on the other hand, as she is still single herself, other guys likely have run screaming from a relationship with her. Takes two yeses to make a relationship work but only one no to end it.

Hollywood has convinced many a woman that the PERFECT guy is out there just waiting to win her over and the longer it takes her to find him, the harder it is for her to be satisfied with that actually good guy because he is not PERFECT. In the end she can feel that she settled and the relationship can tell or she winds up with 9 cats. Neither is a great outcome.

Laslo Spatula said...

"The guy might want to hold it against her for revealing something to the whole world that you'd have to get into his closet to know.

I would!"


It is not the closet I am worried about: it is the basement.


I am Laslo.

holdfast said...

Dear Laslo

My colleagues are becoming concerned because I keep giggling to myself while reading the blog. Could you please send me a small Laslo Pillow that I could use to stifle my laughter?

Thanks


PS - This schtick is way funnier than Titus.

Expat(ish) said...

I would like to see @Althouse / @Laslo side by side post of the identical material.

-XC

Chuck said...

With all due respect...

TLDR.

Drago said...

Freeman Hunt: "But yes, you shouldn't be with someone you aren't really into. That's not fair to either person."

The boomers just can't make up their freakin' minds:

Don't be angry - don't be sad
Don't sit crying over good times you've had
There's a girl right next to you
And she's just waiting for something to do

Well there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love honey
Love the one you're with

SJR said...

There may be no greater difference between stated and revealed preferences than the gulf between what woman say they want in a man, and what they actually choose.

SJR said...

I see Tim Maguire made the same point before me; well done. And I see that our host snarked at him a bit; come on Althouse, you're better than that.

Scott said...

If it's okay to label some men as "tesosterone addled," then it should be okay to label some women as "estrogen addled," right?

It doesn't seem to me that an excess of testosterone would create an addled mental state, though. As for estrogen, in the case of men trying to become women, it might.

(Memo to self: "estrogen addled' as attack phrase for Hillary supporters.)

jr565 said...

This is all tied into the,lefts pushing of both abortion and gender roles thwt are essentially meaningless. Men no longer remember or need to be men, and women don't need to be women. Long term it's going to lead to the death of the species. You think any of these Eunuchs will even produce sperm? Japan, is going to make itself redundant by simply not breeding.

jr565 said...

"2. I don't think people seeking a life partner should be told to "be more accepting." You'd better find somebody who's right in the zone of what you like, whatever it is. The problem I see with this woman is that she's not looking closely enough at what she herself likes. She wants an outsider to pass judgment on whether there's something wrong with the man. I'd say it's not that this woman needs to "be more accepting," but that she shouldn't deny herself the pleasure and fulfillment of accepting this man, if that's what she wants."

on a practical level is there really a difference? you're telling her to be more accepting too.

buwaya said...

People are dumb.
Rules need to work for the dumb as well as the intelligent.
And people can be very dumb about X but brilliant at Y.
Personally I would wonder about this fellow too, but I am very old fashioned.
Existence is complicated.

William said...

This is just a stop gap measure until sexbots can be perfected,....,,I've heard that there's a fresh new perversion where people dress up like plush, furry animals and fuck each other. This perversion doesn't seem evil or harmful, but its utter weirdness is baffling. Maybe the Japanese are into zen perversions.

holdfast said...

Given Hillary!'s age it would be "Lack-of-Estrogen-Addled", I'd think?

Anyway, "evil, soulless scrunt" wasn't on the list of verbotten words, so I am going with that.

JAORE said...

"Lack-of-Estrogen-Addled"

So much classier than "dried up"...

Pay attention Hil-bots. You'll fall behind on your naughty word list.

eddie willers said...

I clicked on the thread thinking "Laslo Bait".

I was rewarded.

Denton said...

Testosterone does not addle you. In the right amount, it helps make you a cheerful, well adjusted fellow.

If you will reflect on it for a moment, its female hormones, not male, that make some people cranky periodically.

TCR James said...

I had a half dozen or so small stuffed animals I carried with me through my mid 20's, mostly 3" tall things, and a single foot tall Garfield. My mom gave them to me growing up, even into my late teen years, and basically said I'd always be her little boy. I usually kept the Garfield handy. Nobody ever gave me any crap about them. Not the guys at jump school, not in my infantry unit in Desert Storm, and certainly not my wife, whom I met on a cross country motorcycle trip.

I wasn't romantically attached to them but they were a nice tie to home, the only thing from home I kept with me, other than some pigsticker type knives my father provided. Garfield was always good for a laugh strapped to an inappropriate place, like an M1 tank's gun or the colonel's HMMV. He may have gotten kidnapped and been rescued in a number of drunken commando raids as well. Any time I got asked about the little collection, I'd explain that I kept the stuffed animals to remind my buddies to remove the condoms, porno and whisky from my locker before they shipped my personal effects home to my grieving mom, which was partially true. The critters have mostly been subsumed into my young son's collection. My mom sends me birthday cards now.

lgv said...

No worries. Once the law is passed that all men and women must have equal amounts of testosterone and estrogen, everything will be as it should be.

"And if you can't be with the one you love honey, Love the one you're with"

Love the one your with, not enter a long term committed relationship.


Balfegor said...

How on earth can this thread have gone this far without anyone mentioning Brideshead Revisited and Sebastian's teddy bear Aloysius!?

Wikipedia tells me that the poet John Betjeman ("Come, friendly bombs, and fall on Slough / it isn't fit for humans now / there's hardly grass to graze a cow / Swarm over, Death!") had a famous teddy bear of his own.

Balfegor said...

RE: Simon --

I think the collapse in TFR (and sex in general) in Japan is probably related to, but not caused by the daki-makura phenomenon. I think the causation runs the other way, in fact. Japan actually has a significantly higher TFR (1.41) than South Korea (1.32), or Singapore (1.28), or Hong Kong (1.13). And Korea, Singapore, and HK don't have the same phenomenon. Loneliness and unavailability of sex is reflected in other ways there. In Korea, for example, I suspect it's reflected in part in the astronomical suicide rate (about 40% higher than Japan, which famously has a high suicide rate) although there are probably other causes behind that both the suicide rate and cratering fertility.

Gahrie said...

You just fell into my category of men who are either too dumb or don't love women enough to get the message straight.

Again, it is always the fucking fault of the man. Always.

VeracityID said...

Why can't a woman be more like a man....pillow?

kzookitty said...

Well, at least Lazlo doesn't need to hide his extensive lingerie collect...the girls have them too!

Have the Japanese always been so weird or can it be blamed on the Bomb?

kzookitty